Canada's Four Horsepersons of the Apocalypse

In preparing for some radio work in Canada (okay, it's a mercy appearance, with Charles Adler, who feels sorry for me), it struck me that this has been a big year for Canadian women. It struck me after reading Linda Williamson, actually. So I picked the four women who have had the biggest impact on Canadia politics. One could quarrel with my choices, of course, but...

So, here are Canada's Four Horsepersons of the Apocalypse for 2004....

Carolyn Parrish: She stomped a George Bush doll, with boots (she had the boots, not the doll). On TV, on CBC-TV, in fact. Of course, the Missasauga (That's west of Toronto, just west of Etobicoke, actually) MP also critiqued the "coalition of idiots" Bush was leading in Iraq. Linda claimed that CP's real achievement was not getting ink for pounding Bush, but rather for finally getting Paul Martin (who kicked her out of caucus after much "Oh, my-ing") to make a decision on something. HE FIRED HER. I would say that this is a real achievement, but there is a deeper achievement to credit Ms. Parrish with. She hates Americans, but she sometimes talks to one, like Dorothy here. It seems clear that Carolyn Parrish is a loud-mouthed, impolite, unscrupulous self-promoting cretin. In other words, her real achievement is that SHE HAS BECOME an American, in spite of claiming to hate them.

Judy Sgro: Canadian Immigration Minister. Ms. Sgro's chief of staff, Ihor Won, who is now on "stress leave" (I think this is like the Witness Protection Program, but for government officials), apparently offered "special access" to several owners of strip clubs when he met them at their establishments to discuss the importation of foreign exotic dancers. One of the club owners, Terry Koumoudouros, president of the House of Lancaster in Toronto, had donated $7,928 to the Liberal party. This is a terrible embarrassment for trade and immigration-conscious Canada, because it means that either (1) homegrown Canadian women are so cold that they won't take off their clothes, or (2) if they do, customers wish they hadn't. I predict a new "strip at home" initiative in the Parliament, with special emphasis on keeping out those cheap foreign strumpets.

Sheila Fraser: Canadian Auditor General and national hero for the investigation breaking open the Adscam scandal -- she is having second thoughts! When she released her November audit, Fraser worried her quest to expose government waste may have had the "unintended consequence" of tarnishing some hard-working, honest public servants. As Linda Williamson put it, "C'mon Sheila, don't waffle on us! We have politicians for that!" As Kgrease would put it, "C'mon, Sheila, don't go all Canadian on us! You don't HAVE to be nice all the time! Those rat bastards deserved it. And, won't you please, PLEASE run for MP from the Missassauga riding?"

Adrienne Clarkson, the "Governor General." Americans, of course, are asking "What is a Governor General"? Of course, Americans also often ask, "How can I find my bum with both hands?" The Governor General represents the "Queen's interests" in Canada (in the U.S., there are some who would say that this is done by Key West, but I'm not one of them, of course). Ms. Clarkson's lavish "cirumpolar" trip caused outrage in cost-conscious Canada: it cost $5.3 just for a ...well...a circumpolar trip. Plus, Clarkson's budget had nearly doubled since she became Governor General in 1999, going from $11 million to $19 million. Madame Clarkson did make matters a bit worse for herself when she stridently resisted efforts to trim her budget. Kgrease's thoughts? This woman is supposed to represent the Queen's interests in Canada, and now you are mad at her for spending like the Royal Family? You ought to congratulate her, and encourage more inbreeding in the GuvGen's 1 Sussex Drive mansion (though I'm not sure that more inbreeding is possible).

Prime Minister Paul Martin: You've had a tough year with the ladies, man. Hope it goes better in 2005. Maybe you could get a testosterone transfusion from Carolyn Parrish, who seems to have more than she needs.