Saturday, November 25, 2006

Le Petite Mort, and a Special Hat

So, I was following up the Nutty Buddy, to see if anyone had posted interesting comments on other blogs.

There was a great thread, on Wonkette, from her codependent friend Teaser Mare. Fair enough: I refer you to the thread.

But, then I got to wondering what a "Teaser Mare" was.

Well, funny I should ask. This link will no doubt not be news to anyone intimately involved (and I mean that) in the horse breeding business.

BUT GODFREY FREAKIN' DANIELS! WHAT THE HELL?

Tried to pick my favorite parts of what is after all quite a short page. But there are so many things that stand out (sorry). A top six list of my favorite excerpts:

Number 6: "Certain combinations of tranquilizers have been used to induce ejaculation from stallions." Really? That combination of tranquilizers would be of interest to me. Does anyone have the recipe? Though, the tranquilizers may be unnecessary if sleep can be achieved naturally (see #1, below).

Number 5: The idea of a teaser mare, just the very idea. A hot chick you get to nuzzle, before going out with her wooden sister. Teaser mares are equine "fluffers." If you want more information about fluffers, then here. Sicko.

Number 4: "Stallion semen often contains a large volume of gel"...So Cameron Diaz doesn't look so stupid now, does she? Just ahead of her time.

Number 3: "The images below show a typical series of events in collecting semen from a stallion. Note that all the involved people are wearing helmets." Wow. Just....wow.

Number 2: "Use of an artificial vagina is far and away the most common method for collecting semen from stallions. The AV used with stallions is similar to that used for species such as bulls, except larger. [EXCEPT LARGER!!! REALLY??] The image below shows a popular design of a stallion AV (disassembled). Due to the large ejaculate volume, a collection bottle is used instead of a tube. The blue cone next to the AV is not a special hat worn by the semen colletor; rather it is an insulating cone that is placed over the end of the AV to shield the semen collection bottle from thermal shock." It would be SO much better if it were a special hat. Of course, he'd have to wear it under his HELMET.

Number 1: The stallion, having completed the nasty, TAKES A NAP ON TOP OF THE FAKE MARE! I've been there, bro; I've been there. The web page says he's "resting." Like hell; he's passed out. Le petite mort, stallion style. Now that I think of it, though, that's a real advantage to the whole wooden girlfriend thing: after a couple of minutes, real women start smacking you in the head and yelling at you to get off...

ATSRTWT.

New Camera, and Charleston....

Got a new digi-camera for my birthday, hopelessly archaic but for that reason perfect for my picture taking skills. Some examples of my first efforts:

Me and the future First Lady of North Carolina, at a charity event. (Okay, so I didn't take the picture...)














Me at the site of the sarcophagus of John Caldwell Calhoun, VP of the US and author of the truly strange "Disquisition on Government."

I took this using the timer feature, and perching the camera atop a nearby gravestone. Before getting this, I got shot of my nostrils when I set the time too short (1 sec; who would EVER need that?), and of the sky when the camera fell off backwards while I lumbered over to the tomb. When I turned around, the camera was gone. I briefly panicked, fearing ghosts, but it had just fallen onto the poor schmoe's grave, behind the tombstone I was using for a table.

And, just to prove that I don't just take pictures of myself, here is my good friend Cindy Nielsen in Charleston. Just before I took this picture, Cindy had seen the door and had asked (before I could stop her) an obvious student, carrying laundry, "Is there a University here?" The kid stammered, and said, "Yes ma'am, the College of Charleston."


I took the picture to dispel the notion that there are just free-standing Department of Political Science doorways, without associated Universities. (I know, I get a Tofe for doing this, but it is a great picture).

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The Palmetto: I'm a Trainie

I am now a truly confirmed trainie.

Not a "trainee", mind you. A trainie loves trains, like a foodie loves food.

Took the Palmetto south, from Wilson, NC to Charleston, SC for the LF conference. Took it back north, four days later.

Business class was $62 each way. Four hours, and it was 15 minutes late. I got to the station ten minutes before departure, and just got on the train, like I was a citizen of a nation with protections for personal liberties, instead of a focus on body searches.

Train lets you off near the downtown, and there's a taxi about 30 yards away from train steps. Three minutes off the train, and you are on your way to the hotel.

No cattle car treatment, no indignities from jack-booted thugs ripping shampoo out of luggage. No $420 for being shuttled around some irrational set of hubs and spokes. (Yes, that would have been the airfare for the same trip).

Free New York Times, free coffee and juice, a 120 v plug for my laptop, and room to stretch out for a nice little nappie. On the way back, I reread nearly all of v. III of Churchill's history of WWII, "The Grand Alliance." How civilized. Had a nice red wine from the dining car, which I strolled back to get without having some harried harpy snap at me to get my butt back in the seat, because the captain is afraid of liability. You can stand up for miles, just like you were a grown-up.

And the theater of my beloved southland being performed outside my window, a new fall landscape around every turn. Swamps, bright foliage, shacks overgrown with kudzu, and a lot of churches and graveyards holding the hopes of long ago.

Planes have captains; trains have engineers. And the guys who work with passengers are "conductors," conducting a symphony of sound, sights, and echoes of simpler time.

Give me the train, any time.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Lib'n Rap

Several people sent me this.

From MK: this

From BN: this

Overheard at a Liberty Fund Conference.....

Some snippets from the Liberty Fund Conference in Charleston, SC. Hosted by the good Simmons, and overseen by Ubergruppencalffuhrer Nielsen.

1. At dinner: Young woman-- "I just love the way (famous person) writes!"
Young man-- "Dry....very dry."
Young woman-- "Do you think so? I think he writes well!"
Young man-- "I was talking about the wine."

2. At hospitality: Different young woman-- "I think I'll convert and become a Mormon.
Same young man-- "Oh, you just want to hump [Mormon Adonis]." (NOTE: Mormon Adonis happens to be in the room also, and clearly hears comment)
Young woman-- " "
(This incident led to the creation of a new award, for a comment so inappropriate, so gratuitous, so unexpected, and so casually delivered, that it ends conversation for an entire evening. The award is "The Tofe." If someone wins, you extend your arm, bump fists, and say: "Nice one. That's a Tofe.")

Not Even the Onion Would Make This Up....

The horror.....the horror.....Parents gone wild.

Commentary, some more.

And then, they DID get to play....

(Nod to JT)