Saturday, November 25, 2006

Le Petite Mort, and a Special Hat

So, I was following up the Nutty Buddy, to see if anyone had posted interesting comments on other blogs.

There was a great thread, on Wonkette, from her codependent friend Teaser Mare. Fair enough: I refer you to the thread.

But, then I got to wondering what a "Teaser Mare" was.

Well, funny I should ask. This link will no doubt not be news to anyone intimately involved (and I mean that) in the horse breeding business.


Tried to pick my favorite parts of what is after all quite a short page. But there are so many things that stand out (sorry). A top six list of my favorite excerpts:

Number 6: "Certain combinations of tranquilizers have been used to induce ejaculation from stallions." Really? That combination of tranquilizers would be of interest to me. Does anyone have the recipe? Though, the tranquilizers may be unnecessary if sleep can be achieved naturally (see #1, below).

Number 5: The idea of a teaser mare, just the very idea. A hot chick you get to nuzzle, before going out with her wooden sister. Teaser mares are equine "fluffers." If you want more information about fluffers, then here. Sicko.

Number 4: "Stallion semen often contains a large volume of gel"...So Cameron Diaz doesn't look so stupid now, does she? Just ahead of her time.

Number 3: "The images below show a typical series of events in collecting semen from a stallion. Note that all the involved people are wearing helmets." Wow.

Number 2: "Use of an artificial vagina is far and away the most common method for collecting semen from stallions. The AV used with stallions is similar to that used for species such as bulls, except larger. [EXCEPT LARGER!!! REALLY??] The image below shows a popular design of a stallion AV (disassembled). Due to the large ejaculate volume, a collection bottle is used instead of a tube. The blue cone next to the AV is not a special hat worn by the semen colletor; rather it is an insulating cone that is placed over the end of the AV to shield the semen collection bottle from thermal shock." It would be SO much better if it were a special hat. Of course, he'd have to wear it under his HELMET.

Number 1: The stallion, having completed the nasty, TAKES A NAP ON TOP OF THE FAKE MARE! I've been there, bro; I've been there. The web page says he's "resting." Like hell; he's passed out. Le petite mort, stallion style. Now that I think of it, though, that's a real advantage to the whole wooden girlfriend thing: after a couple of minutes, real women start smacking you in the head and yelling at you to get off...



Anonymous said...

"The blue cone next to the AV is not a special hat"

What, did the author think he had to put in a joke to cut the tension?

Anonymous said...

OpenSource Vagina: A Lubricant-Free, Mess-Free Design for Humans

The priorities of this project were, in order:
-Simulating the sensation of a vagina without the use of fluid lubricants (fluids require too much cleanup, and cause fermentation issues)
-Ease and speed of cleanup, reloading, and general maintenance
-Mess containment
-Simplicity and economy of construction
-One size fits almost all
-Minimal size

What were not priorities:
- Simulating the appearance of a vagina.

-9" length of 2" diameter PVC tubing
-Slip cap for 2" diameter PVC tubing
-2 x 6"x12" slippery smooth flat nylon fabric
-14" of 4" width elastic ACE Bandage (NOT self-sticking variety)
-4 safety pins
-Rubber band

-Hand saw

Saw two parallel 5" slits opposite each other on one end of the tubing. Use sandpaper to remove all rough edges.

-Cut the 14" length of elastic bandage in half (so you have two 7" pieces)
-Fold one of the above 7" pieces in half, make in to a tube by safety-pinning top and bottom together anywhere between 2.5" and 3" from fold, depending on how tight you want it to feel
-Repeat above step for other 7" piece
-Slide a portion of each of the elastic bandage tubes it's full length (4") down the slit, on opposite sides from each other. The remaining portion of each elastic tube will naturally go around its half of the outside of the PVC tube
-Fold to double-thickness each of the 12" slippery nylon fabrics, then slide the folded ends 4.5" down the two slits BETWEEN the elastic bandages
-At the opening of the Artificial Vagina, pull the excess nylon fabric over to their respective sides (to get them out of the way). A rubber-band around the PVC tubing should keep the fabric from flopping around.
-Check (with your fingers or any broomstick like appendage) that there really is a clear path straight-through the vagina and all the way down through the PVC tubing
-Fill the slip cap with toilet paper, and slide it gently on the far end of the tube

After use, prop the tube upright on the slip cap to allow drainage to the tissue. In a few minutes, take off the slip-cap, throw away the tissue, and either let it dry or just reload the cap with tissue for immediate reuse.

-It can greatly enhance sensation to put a thin spongy or fluffy material in the space between the elastic bandage and the inside of the PVC tube. This is because adds a compression squeeze to the tension squeeze afforded by the the bandage. Try it first with only one side
-Consider making two or three Artificial Vaginas to have ready in case one requires drying-out time
-Baby powder or corn starch can reduce friction in the artificial vagina
-Try different fabrics for sensation. Teflon, for instance, might be ideal in moisture repellance and friction. The main issues is how they deal with moisture; nylon tends to get a very high friction component when wet, ruining sensation. ALWAYS be sure to avoid toxic materials
-Try coatings for the fabric, spray-on (like silicon spray), powder (graphite), or soaked (hair conditioners). ALWAYS be sure to avoid toxic materials