Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Fodder, and a Mudder, and Teaser Stallions

A horsey friend of mine writes with more information, more "fodder" if you will, for the horse sex thread. (If you add a race horse who specializes in wet tracks, you get a mudder to go along with the fodder).

Friend notes, in an email:

In fairness it should be noted that there are also teaser stallions, because one wouldn't want to allow a valuable breeding stallion to mount an unwilling mare, now would one? Not much sexual dimorphism in the horse world, so she is well able to protect herself, if uninterested.

This of course only necessary if one is planning to rely not on artificial insemination but on -- another lovely phrase -- live cover. No napping there because, as you note, of the head-smacking thing.

Llive cover? Sounds like a strip club I know in New Orleans. I've just seen the outside, of course. Very nice outside.

And, if i understand what my friend says, the teaser stallion has got to be the most pathetic, loser job in the universe. Worse than being a grad student in English Lit, though not by much. Most teaser stallions, most times, likely just get kicked in the chest, because the mare has a headache.

But if the teaser stallion DOES get her all hot, and it turns out she says, "Give it to me, baby, uh HUH, uh HUH*"...THEN THE TEASER STALLION GETS PULLED AWAY!

"NOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOO! She likes me! Just give me five minutes! Three minutes! 30 seconds! Oh, GOD, NOOOOOOooooo...."

Then, he has to WATCH while the high dollar stud ("I'll take it from here, loser!") starts gettin' busy with the mare that the poor teaser stallion just seduced. Should call him the "Cuckold Stallion."

Here is a picture of Hootie, a "mare ovulation prediction technician." As if the euphemism helps....

The site says: "Hootie earns his oats by teasing mares. (Teasing is the process of bringing mare and stallion together to determine, by the mare's reactions, if she is in the receptive and fertile portion of her reproductive cycle.) Hootie LOVES big mares, so he enjoys his job." I LIKE BIG HORSE BUTTS, YOU KNOW I CAN NOT LIE!!

Poor Hootie. Who's he kidding? Doesn't the poor teaser stallion get all hot, too? What about HIS needs? Do they at least let him borrow the big wooden girl-horse for a few minutes, later? I mean, he doesn't have opposable thumbs, so he can't very well take matters into his own hands. Maybe watch some video, perhaps an old Flicka movie, and then bring on the Trojan horse, complete with horse-sized Trojan?

Otherwise, as we are told here, "stallions used heavily for teasing may develop 'frustration-induced behavior changes.'"

I bet so. In fact, I think being a teaser stallion may be worst job in the world.

(It's been a while, so I should say: apologies to the Offspring, and their song, "Pretty Fly")


Anonymous said...

Professor, you really seem to get...carried away.
Is this a male thing, you think?
I keep thinking 'so what', while usually I find it hard to contain myself over your little widgets...just puzzled...maybe it's the treason part that gets you going, so very old testament to exchange some woman for another and the like..

Mungowitz said...

Well, yes, that's a possibility.

That I think this is funny, and it just...isn't.

Always a danger when I write.

Anonymous said...

..actually I found your overidentification with the passed-out stallion quite touching, but then, that's simply not a situation in which I like to imagine myself, passed out on a plywood man (so to speak)while in you it seemed to ignite sparks of singeing passion. Maybe just a dislike of that special fantasy..um...just don't stop writing, by all means. I love almost everything you bring on (especially the performance art on the plastic sandal), just sometimes I wonder how on earth you can find the time to do all this, you know, teaching, blogging, running for governor, research on teaser mares - seems like a pretty tight schedule. Do you ever sleep? Ever?