Brilliant Satire

Okay, at first I was taken in.  But this is actually brilliant satire. 

I mean, it goes through the whole "don't have children" thing, and buy "credits," which is asinine, and often a scam to boot.  So, it could be serious.  But then, the giveaway:  If you really want to be "green," you will need to: 

Slow Down Your Breathing
      It sounds silly, but breathing is actually a major source of atmospheric carbon.  One of the ways you can reduce your Carbon Footprint is to breathe less.  That's right, breathe less!  You're probably asking yourself how that's possible, but believe it or not, yoga is a great way to slow down the metabolism and reduce the need for excessive breathing.  If you're not already into yoga, consider taking classes at your local studio.  Soon, you'll be breathing less, and as an added bonus, feel much less stressed out!

Okay, THAT is funny.  Well played, ma'am.  To reduce your carbon footprint, DRIVE to a yoga studio.  And since you will be having fewer children, you won't be needing to have all that heavy-breathing whoopee, either.  Stop all that "excessive breathing." Brilliant.  Because it's just goofy enough that it COULD be serious. 

(with a nod to the Blonde)

UPDATE:  As Trent M. notes in comments...

"My favorite part: on the "comments and coupons" page there is a coupon for "15% off 1 eco-friendly blunt trauma pet termination."

Not the Onion?

For our occasional "Not the Onion" feature...which of the following is a fake news story?

1. EEOC says that requiring people to have a high school diploma, or to be able to read, violates the Americans with Disabilities Act. After all, idiots need jobs, too! And there are only 100 seats in the US Senate.

2. N. Koreans called on to provide "human shield" for Kim Jong (Big) Un. Presumably, the herd of shielders will also be available to be butchered for food, in case Big Un gets peckish. The story does also note that there is a "burning issue" of food shortage. What's a Big Un to do?

3. New Fox network reality show to choose candidate for President of Iraq. The winner will receive $1 million in campaign cash, and several truckloads of dates to use as bribes.

4. Solar plant in Idaho unable to generate enough power to supply even itself. Utility company is going to cut off electricity to so-called "power" plant, because they can't pay the bill for all the electricity they are using up in the process of not generating electricity.

(Nod to the Blonde)

Not the Onion: Lucy In the Sky, With Vulvas

Not sure this is real. A little far-fetched.

But, school kids have been told they can't make hand gestures when they sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, little star."

Given that the British Sign Language gesture for female genitalia is a diamond or triangle shape, it is believed that the gesture was accompanying the line 'like a diamond in the sky', which is known to have caused confusion in the past.

You can see, in this video, the "offensive" hand sign at about 1:18.

Um...how has it caused confusion, exactly? Did the deaf children think that someone was claiming there was an upside down vulva in the sky? I mean, sure, that would be scary, but I can't imagine that is what they thought.

(Nod to the Blonde)

Not the Onion?

Try to guess....

1. Kidnapper claims kidnapped couple agreed to hide him from police. When police later shot him, he sues for breach of contract.

2. Guelph professor accidentally named Italy's junior agriculture minister

3. Financial professional seeks "holiday girlfriend."

Not the Onion? (Labor Day/ Sex with Stuff Edition)

Which of the following (if any) are from the Onion?

1. Man has sex with inflatable pool raft.

2. Beach bonking in Blackpool: Your government keeps statistics!

3. Guinness BOWR "world's largest penis" man: It's no picnic.

4. Labor Day party: American caught having sex with picnic table.

5. Man arrested for having sex with street signs; now has to "STOP"

6. I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike.

7. Man humps steel park bench (the kind with holes in it). And there's a video (so this is NOT the Onion!). You may not want to listen; the guy is not having much fun. "OOOOOOOH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"


Some details. And a source post.

(And a nod to Dutch Boy)

Not the Onion...Or Is It?

Some stories that are not the Onion...probably.

1. Guys take flattened, dried alligator for joy ride.

2. Duck tape used to save...ducks! And, yes, I mean "duck tape."

3. Food trucks, food trucks, what ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when the mayor comes for you? Make a ...Facebook page! And then "unlike" Mayor Bloomberg.

4. Having medical insurance increases the amount of health services people consume. Tomorrow: sun rises in the east.

5. Rod Stewart is mistaken for author's elderly aunt.

6. Michigan Congressman had no idea that law outlawing light bulbs would put "Washington in charge of decisions over light bulbs."

(Nod to the Blonde, Angry Alex, and The Chelsea)

Not the Onion?

1. WOMAN STOOD UP IN GLOUCESTER; NOW PREGNANT: British couple arrested for having public sex against the wall of the police station in Gloucester, England. According to the arresting officer: "Mr Moore's trousers were around his ankles and Miss Howell had a pile of clothing beside her. We were called from the station and it seems they had a measure of difficulty disengaging Miss Howell and Mr Moore from their activity...They were arrogant and aggressive and said 'If you don't want to look, you don't have to.'"

During the scuffle that followed as police tried to arrest them, both officers were slightly injured. Lisa Ellis, defending, said Moore and Howell were in a relationship together. "They had a couple of drinks and got carried away," she said. Miss Howell is now pregnant, and apparently will NOT be naming the baby "Gloucester." (LINK)

2. ET PHONES JIA: "Everybody from fund managers to jet-setting diplomats is talking about the world's center of gravity shifting to Asia. Now, extraterrestrials appear to be taking notice, too...'It's not surprising, really,' says Debhanom Muangman, a 75-year-old Harvard-educated physician and one of Thailand's leading UFO investigators. 'Aliens have been coming to Asia for decades, but now they sense a change. This is where the progressive countries are, so they are coming here much more often now.'" (LINK)

3. HAIR: New rash of thefts of hair and hair extensions. Ebay blamed for increased of ease of selling hair, because of course you want to rub up against hair that you buy from someone on Ebay. "During the past two months alone, robbers in quest of human hair have killed a beauty shop supplier in Michigan and carried out heists nationwide in which they have made off with tens of thousands of dollars of hair at a time." (LINK)

Nod to Tommy the Brit and to Kevin Lewis

Not the Onion?

As many as one, or more, of these stories may be the Onion. Or, not.

1. In addition to being a terrorist mastermind, Osama Bin Laden was also kind of an underminer. Bin Laden's hand-written diary lists the secretary of defense and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff as major targets, but the head of Joe Biden? Meh, maybe later. A counter-terrorism official tells the Telegraph, “There is a note indicating that the vice president is not an important target because that position has less weight.” Notes in the journal also paint a picture of bin Laden as the kind of boss that would peer into your cubicle if he wasn't hiding out in a compound: "You could describe him as a micro-manager," a U.S. official said. "The cumbersome process he had to follow for security reasons did not prevent him from playing a role...He was down in the weeds as far as best operatives, best targets, best timing." (LINK)

2. WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange now makes his associates sign a complex, multi-page nondisclosure agreement that, among other things, asserts that the organization’s huge trove of leaked material is “solely the property of WikiLeaks,” according to a report Wednesday. “You accept and agree that the information disclosed, or to be disclosed to you pursuant to this agreement is, by its nature, valuable proprietary commercial information,” the agreement reads, “the misuse or unauthorized disclosure of which would be likely to cause us considerable damage.” Assange said, "The last thing we need is some tosser leaking all of our documents. I mean, wtf?" (LINK)


3. PALO ALTO, CA—Hewlett-Packard announced Friday the release of the first-ever non-computer, a device specifally designed to address the demands of individuals who have absolutely no need to own a computer. CEO Léo Apotheker told reporters the non-computer was a long-overdue innovation that would finally allow consumers with zero interest in computers to enjoy all the benefits of not having one. (LINK)

4. Really Gross "Person Who Had Been Dead for a Long Time Before Anybody Noticed" of the Day Story: Police have confirmed the discovery of human remains inside — from an elderly person who passed away years ago. Police showed up Thursday night, but because of the filth inside they couldn’t go in without a full-scale HAZMAT team. That team was assembled Friday morning, and the elderly man’s remains were found already decomposed on a bedroom floor. Neighbors said the daughter should be held responsible. “The father just happened to disappear one day, and nobody knew what happened to him. She kept saying he was fine, in a nursing home, then upstate,” neighbor David Welch added. Of course, for most New Yorkers, living "upstate" is no different from being dead, so the daughter may just have been speaking metaphorically. (LINK)

(Nod to Flo and Anonyman)

Not the Onion?

Which of these stories might be the Onion? Click the (LINK) at the end of each "story" to find out if it's real...

1. "Lots" of clergymen apparently pretend to be ex-Navy Seals, as an "ego-booster." Don Shipley, a retired SEAL who maintains a database of all former SEALs, got many to admit that they lied. "We deal with these guys all the time, especially the clergy," Shipley says. "It’s amazing how many of the clergy are involved in those lies to build that flock up." (LINK)

2. The federal government is going to require credit card companies to deny cards to women who stay home. "In explaining why this is O.K., the Fed said it believed 'married women who do not work outside the home' will still have access to credit because they can apply for joint accounts with their husbands, or become authorized users on their husband’s accounts. The board did concede that applying jointly might be 'inconvenient or impracticable' in some situations, like applying for on-the-spot credit at a retail store." Presumably if the ladies ask real nice, or else trade sex for use of the card, it will all work out. (LINK)

3. The President of the United States and a top general appear to have communicated with each other in a way that would be hard for terrorists to recognize or intercept, in the period just before the attack on Bin Laden's compound in Abbotabad. Bloggers the world over are shocked that the President did not use a public means of communication, perhaps a billboard or a Twitter account, to give orders about the dangerous mission. "If the President can communicate with top military officers in secret, how will I blog about it?" wrote one fat guy typing on a Macbook Pro in his pajamas* in the basement of his mom's house late Monday afternoon. (LINK)

(*How the Macbook Pro got into his pajamas we'll never know...)

(Nod to Anonyman and the Blonde)

Not the Onion

One of these is made up. Which?

Mayor Bloomberg: Sure, we have too many immigrants. The solution is to forcibly remove all of them....to Detroit! (Link)

Preemptive zombie arrest in London, to protect Royal Wedding party. They weren't even protesting, or doing anything (they were zombies, after all), but they were arrested because police thought they might do something. "We've been pre-emptively arrested under suspicion of planning a breach of the peace," (a zombie said)from the police van. "We went to Starbucks to get a coffee and the police followed us in." "We were just dressing up as zombies," said Amy, who was wearing a "marry me instead" T-shirt. "It is nice to dress up as zombies." (Link)

Man beaten up, police cordon off area, but call bystanders over to look. “All right, folks, something for you to see here, check this out,” said patrolman Brian Pearson, who arrived on the scene and instructed onlookers to “just push past that yellow tape there for a better look.” (Link)

Matt Yglesias comes out and admits it: he is frightened of the very idea of Oklahoma. "Oklahoma City crowd is kind of terrifying." (Link)

"A College of Your Own: All academics should blog." Says young untenured academic who blogs. (Link)

Not the Onion...

So, which of the stories below is the Onion?

1. Nude golfers want course of their own in U.S., to match French course. The French course "includes four par 3 holes and two par 4 holes and a water hazard. There's also a large putting green and a golf pro ready to show guests how to swing that club."

2. Man depressed by changes at Arby's: thinner paper and more (but smaller) onion bits on buns.

3. Man "dressed as manequin" nabbed in women's bathroom. 20-year -old from Edgbaston was seen sneaking into the women's toilets "dressed like a mannequin with a mask and a wig" earlier this month. When security guards nabbed him, Hardman admitted to performing a sexual act and said: "I've been a bit weird."

Which is the Onion?

Which of the accounts below is the Onion? That is, three are real, one is...also real, but from the Onion.

1. U.S. court calls in Barry Bonds's former...um... associates to testify on the size of the equipment "down there" to determine if steroids may have had an impact. "Curious changes in Barry Bonds’ body -- including testimony that his head and feet grew while his testicles shrank -- will be detailed in federal court this week as the government seeks to prove that the Home Run King perjured himself by telling a grand jury that he never used steroids."

2. Woman sloppily eating spaghetti on subway challenges moral authority of critic, since critic is a "fat bitch."

3. CIA Dep. Dir. announces that use of FACEBOOK has produced significant intelligence results, particularly the app "Farmville." And the "Maps" app? They don't need to follow you, they can just check out your movements.

4. "Authorities say 27-year-old Karin Mackaliunas was detained last weekend following a crash. Scranton police say they found three bags of heroin in her jacket and after being taken to the police station she told investigators she had more hidden in her vagina...A doctor recovered 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags, prescription pills and $51.22."

(Nods to Anonyman and Scarback. And this follow up, just because I can.)

Silly

Three silly things. Before you click: which one is the Onion?

1. Burglar showers, homeowner returns, burglar calls cops. Says he was afraid homeowner had gun! "I'm in the shower! There's a man with a gun in the hallway...what? No, it's his house, I'm robbing it. What? R-o-b-b-i-n-g, yes...Well, I needed a shower!"

2. Naked therapist. Says the therapist: "There's something about a naked woman that helps a man to really focus."

3. Tomato shaped like a duck. I like how they put a yellow duckie in the picture, just in case you don't know a "shaped like a duck" actually means.

Answer: I lied. They are all three real, if you can call them real.

Which is the Onion?

One, and ONLY one, of the following stories is from the Onion. The other two are actual "stories." That is, they were reported as true.

Try to guess before you click or mouse-over. See if you get it right: which one of these is the Onion?

1. New health study: staring at woman's breasts is excellent for heart health.

"Five-hundred men participated in the German study. Half were told to refrain from looking at breasts for five years, the other half were told to ogle them daily.

The study found the men who stared at breasts more often showed lower rates of heart problems, a lower resting heart rate and lower blood pressure.

The authors of the study recommend that men stare at breasts for 10 minutes a day."

2. Glad you are out of Libya. But what were you thinking?

State Department officials charged with evacuating nearly 200 Americans from Tripoli last week shepherded the U.S. citizens aboard a ferry, assessed their need for medical attention, and then asked them what the hell they were doing in Libya in the first place.

"We are pleased these Americans are now out of harm's way, but, really, why would anyone want to go to Libya?" a U.S. official told reporters, offering a list of more than 20 countries that are safer, more fun, and "just seem like more logical places to take a vacation" than the repressive North African country.

3. NC Zoo adopts "Snotty the Snot Otter" as their official mascot.

"It made sense when the organizers of a North Carolina festival suggested that the state zoo here adopt a mascot to promote clean rivers.

Except that the creature in question is the snot otter. Formally known as hellbenders, which is not much better from a public-relations standpoint, snot otters are giant, slimy salamanders that lurk under big rocks...

Already up and wriggling is the mascot, Snotty, a big-tailed lizard look-alike with brown skin, beady eyes and stubby teeth.

He made his debut—with mixed results—at the New River Celebration in Laurel Springs, N.C., this past summer.

"There was really just one kid that was kind of scared of me," says Ben Stanley, 20, a student at Randolph Community College here who helped create the Snotty costume and wore it at the festival. "Most of the kids were just running all around me; one actually tried to pull my finger off." (Ed's Note: at the Munger house, the whole "pull my finger" thing is a bad idea)

(nod to Angry Alex)

(UPDATE: Pablo is right, of course, in comments. A hoax. Not even the Onion, just an everyday garden variety urban legend. I should have known. But since a newspaper carried it...anyway, ONE of the above is real, and TWO are hoaxes)

This is Kind of Whack...

This is not the Onion, really: Blacks in Wax.

(Nod to Anonyman)

Not Making This Up: Activist Accused of Being Too Smart

I would have thought the oppressive apparatus of the state could no longer surprise me with its never-ending creativity. But...I am surprised, by this.

The NC DOT did an engineering study of a local road widening project, and concluded that no new signals were required at two intersections. A citizen, David Cox, had the gall to disagree. He did some research, and put the research in the form of an organized argument.

The state could have responded by ignoring the request. Or the state could have pointed out the errors in the study. (I myself have no position on the merits; haven't studied it, don't know the issues).

But the state engineer instead threatened the citizen with legal action... for... being smart! They investigated, saying Cox was "practicing engineering without a license." Yes, really. The state DOT head engineer, Kevin Lacy, did not dispute the facts, the analysis, or the conclusions of the report. All he did was try to get the report dismissed because it was "engineering quality work." Read that again: the citizen made a petition to government for redress of a grievance, and the state wants to prosecute the citizen because the quality of the analysis is too high. (If the petition, redress, etc. thing sounds familiar that's because it is a right guaranteed in the 1st Amendment).

Now, the citizen had NEVER claimed to be an engineer, and had simply signed his name to the report. And he had organized the report in a way that made sense to him, presenting information that he thought was important for the question of whether the intersections needed traffic signals.

The cool thing is that the state is going to say, "We never ACTUALLY brought charges!" Just like the Mafia thugs say, "Nice restaurant. It wud be a shame if sumpin wud to happen to it, like youknowafireorsumpin, capisce?" The fact is that the state can exert an enormously chilling effect simply by suggesting that citizens should be investigated.

But the idea that a citizen can be investigated for being smart and making an effective counter-argument.... wow, I did not expect the state to be willing to be that thuggish.

Finally, I should note that this may all be self-serving for the KPC staff. Because if being really smart, persuasive, and disagreeable is a crime now...well, Angus and I should just assume the position.

Grand Game: Immigration Edition

In this case, the article itself (in WaPo) plays it straight. In fact, this is great, fair journalism.

The amazing stuff is the content of the article. I'm not sure the author, Andrew Becker, was going for this. But each successive revelation about how ICE "broke" the record is more preposterous and outrageous. Have we completely lost respect for the basic rule of law? And then to have these bureaucrats just LIE....Wow. I mean, the guy who outed the administration's fibs is the head of their own union. The admin lied about changing the rules, and artificially decreed that the year would be longer, on both ends. Good lord.

WaPo is hardly some right wing blogger. There actually appears to be something moving, where fair-minded people on the left are sick and tired of the Obama shenanigans.

Anyway... your favorite parts, highlighted in comments. Go!

(Nod to Anonyman)

The Scarlet Band...Period!

This can't be true, can it?
Let's hear again how free and open those Scands are.

Just Kill Yourself

Newsweek has advice about how to save the Earth.

Boiled down: Kill yourself, or at least live in a way that makes you wish you COULD kill yourself. Problem is those greenhouse gases when you fire that bullet into the roof of your mouth: bad for the environment.

(Nod to the Blonde)

Washaway Beach

This may be a hoax, I admit.

But it's a story about Washaway Beach, in Washington state.

In which a guy being interviewed says, quoting now:

“When you buy a place at Washaway Beach, you hope it’s there forever...”

(Nod to Angry Alex)