Thursday, December 02, 2010

My Safety University

So, MSU played well, if getting CHILIPUNK'D by a freshman counts as playing well. Here is photographic evidence that the boys in green from My Safety University were actually there, in Cameron, doing whatever it is that they do.

Since I have been to games with Aaron, I know what they were doing. Aaron was saying some remarkably brazen things, during quiet moments, terrifying his "friends." In this case the friends stand out because they are wearing the "tools of ignorance" green shirts that come with being MSU fans.

Went to a Durham Bulls game with Aaron, in September. We were in the third row, directly behind the visitors dugout. You could throw a peanut and hit the on-deck batter in the backside, couldn't have been more than 15 feet.

During quiet moments, Aaron would go after the kid who was playing left field for the other team. The guy had missed a grounder, trying to hurry and make a throw to the plate. The ball had skipped under his glove, and gone to the fence. Two runs scored, man on third, instead of first and third, one run in.

So Aaron is going after this kid pretty hard, and it's often quiet in minor league ballparks. Not totally silent, but Aaron the Foghorn Voice could be heard in the far reaches. "In Little League...IN LITTLE LEAGUE! You learn you have to catch the ball before you can throw it! Hey, Todd! Why didn't you catch it before you threw it? That's Little League."

Aaron, between innings, finds out that the kid (Todd Frazier) DID play Little League. In fact, he played on the LL WORLD CHAMP TEAM! Played for Toms River, and went 4-4 in final game against Japan, one of the hits a homer.

Next at-bat for Todd: "Hey, Todd! You DID play Little League! You should have known. How did you miss that grounder?"

Todd keeps turning around, clearly has rabbit ears. Finally, Todd turns around and mouths, "You are fat! Lose weight!"

Now, Aaron is in heaven, of course. That is not a very good comeback. But more important Todd's head is up in the stands, not in the game. Aaron's work is done.

So he goes after another guy, with long shaggy hair. Looks up the guy's hometown, in the trusty game program. "Hey, Smith! Nice hair! By this time Saturday, you're going to be home in (guy's actual hometown), waking up late and getting your hair done! Does your wife have a favorite place for you to get your hair done! Hey, Smith!"

Then two more developments.

First, the mousey little guy ahead of us turns around and berates Aaron for being a loud-mouth goofball. Except he does it in the most whiny, "Why can't you be nice? We're just here to see the game. Don't be mean to people!" junior tree-hugging granola way. I mean, this weasel made @kohenari look macho. Photographic evidence of Mr. Mouse: To Aaron's credit, he backed off a bit. We were afriad Mouse Man might quiver himself to death or something.

Then, a guy up to our right, five rows over and five rows back, starts giving it HARD to the Bats in the N'awlins Old School fashion. This old guy looks like a Confederate cavalry officer, with white goatee and flowing white hair. Thick Loosiana accent. "Hey, battah! That bat too heavy, now. That bat doan got dat heavy, heavy gris-gris all ovah it. You cain't even pick dat bat, dat's a gris-gris bat! Who dat gawnna hit wit dat gris-gris bat? Not you, sawn, not you!"

We were rolling around in the aisles at this point. First, this guy had some great stuff. I can't remember most of it, but it was tremendous. Aaron was trying to take notes. (Since he went to MSU, he can't actually write, but he was trying). Second, the guy ahead of us, Mr. "Let's all get along and watch the game!" was staring straight ahead. No way he was going to mess with Colonel Jeb Stuart over there. Ol' Jeb would have brought dat hoodoo right down on that little leftie bed-wetter head of his.

But...oh, glory! The Bat's pitching coach, the COACH, comes up to the top step and starts bickering with ol' Jeb the Heckler. Coach yelled, "Hey, old man: You're an idiot!" Jeb nods happily: SCORE! Aaron, knowing he was in the presence of true heckling greatness, nodded and remembered. A rabbit-eared 22 year old....easy. A 55 year old veteran coach, who should know better...Practice, Aaron, practice.

So, anyway, though I was not at the Duke-MSU game last night, I am confident that there was invective and heckling taking place, right up to and perhaps slightly past the point where Aaron got physically threatened.

(UPDATE: My bad, photo credit to Chris DeSante, who clearly has ESPNHD and a TV nicer than most grad students can be expected to have)

9 comments:

SpartanGop said...

Epic blog post. Aaron was indeed bringing it strong last night. It was classic.

I miss Colonel Jeb from the Bulls game. "You couldn't throw a strike if you had too!" We needed him last night to put some gris gris on Kyrie, but alas ...

doclawson said...

LOVE THIS POST! The art of heckling is dying fast in this namby-pamby world. I had a so-called fan turn around and ask me why I was riding the refs (at a Div III basketball game no less) so hard. I replied simply, "It's my job." I can personally claim credit for dozens of three-second calls. The dumbos never remember that until you remind them over and over and over...Oh and getting a player to react is, well you nailed it, pure heaven. There was this fat 1st basemen for Duke (playing v. FSU) back in the late 1980s...oh the memories.

John said...

Juan Dixon once tried to climb his bench and enter the Student Wolfpack Club section to kill me. He had to be restrained by his teammates.

All an honest misunderstanding, of course. We were ragging him pretty hard until finally he turned around and invited us to fornicate without assistance. Well my heckling brain mode, which was always focused on performance and not personal stuff, without even cursing, still shortcut a crucial filter. It went straigh to the arsenal and pulled up The Thing That You Say When You Get A Player To Curse At You: "What would your mom say if she heard you say that?"

"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MAMA!!!"

oops. I promise, I had completely forgotten what had happened to his parents. I honestly still feel bad about that one, and it was some number of years ago now.

slasldkj said...

Where's my photo credit, Munger? - DeSante

Mungowitz said...

Chris: It's at the bottom. And it HAS been there since 9 am. Nice TV.

Shawn said...

Instant Classic. Audio of Cajun-Cryer wouldn't been epic.

Pelsmin said...

I had the privilege of seeing the Bulls play in a late season game with Mungo. The Nawlins trash talker was there, scaring us all with his chatter. "It's not yaw night tonight, son." "Oh, that bat's heavy. That's okay son. Just let it sit there. Bad ju-ju faw you tonight son."
He was so calm and quiet, it was spooky. But the players were looking and listening.

Justin Bieber said...

All About Justin Bieber
Epic blog post. Aaron was indeed bringing it strong last night. It was classic.

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