As many as one, or more, of these stories may be the Onion. Or, not.
1. In addition to being a terrorist mastermind, Osama Bin Laden was also kind of an underminer. Bin Laden's hand-written diary lists the secretary of defense and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff as major targets, but the head of Joe Biden? Meh, maybe later. A counter-terrorism official tells the Telegraph, “There is a note indicating that the vice president is not an important target because that position has less weight.” Notes in the journal also paint a picture of bin Laden as the kind of boss that would peer into your cubicle if he wasn't hiding out in a compound: "You could describe him as a micro-manager," a U.S. official said. "The cumbersome process he had to follow for security reasons did not prevent him from playing a role...He was down in the weeds as far as best operatives, best targets, best timing." (LINK)
2. WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange now makes his associates sign a complex, multi-page nondisclosure agreement that, among other things, asserts that the organization’s huge trove of leaked material is “solely the property of WikiLeaks,” according to a report Wednesday. “You accept and agree that the information disclosed, or to be disclosed to you pursuant to this agreement is, by its nature, valuable proprietary commercial information,” the agreement reads, “the misuse or unauthorized disclosure of which would be likely to cause us considerable damage.” Assange said, "The last thing we need is some tosser leaking all of our documents. I mean, wtf?" (LINK)
3. PALO ALTO, CA—Hewlett-Packard announced Friday the release of the first-ever non-computer, a device specifally designed to address the demands of individuals who have absolutely no need to own a computer. CEO Léo Apotheker told reporters the non-computer was a long-overdue innovation that would finally allow consumers with zero interest in computers to enjoy all the benefits of not having one. (LINK)
4. Really Gross "Person Who Had Been Dead for a Long Time Before Anybody Noticed" of the Day Story: Police have confirmed the discovery of human remains inside — from an elderly person who passed away years ago. Police showed up Thursday night, but because of the filth inside they couldn’t go in without a full-scale HAZMAT team. That team was assembled Friday morning, and the elderly man’s remains were found already decomposed on a bedroom floor. Neighbors said the daughter should be held responsible. “The father just happened to disappear one day, and nobody knew what happened to him. She kept saying he was fine, in a nursing home, then upstate,” neighbor David Welch added. Of course, for most New Yorkers, living "upstate" is no different from being dead, so the daughter may just have been speaking metaphorically. (LINK)
(Nod to Flo and Anonyman)