Three silly things. Before you click: which one is the Onion?
1. Burglar showers, homeowner returns, burglar calls cops. Says he was afraid homeowner had gun! "I'm in the shower! There's a man with a gun in the hallway...what? No, it's his house, I'm robbing it. What? R-o-b-b-i-n-g, yes...Well, I needed a shower!"
2. Naked therapist. Says the therapist: "There's something about a naked woman that helps a man to really focus."
3. Tomato shaped like a duck. I like how they put a yellow duckie in the picture, just in case you don't know a "shaped like a duck" actually means.
Answer: I lied. They are all three real, if you can call them real.