Which is the Onion?

Which of the accounts below is the Onion? That is, three are real, one is...also real, but from the Onion.

1. U.S. court calls in Barry Bonds's former...um... associates to testify on the size of the equipment "down there" to determine if steroids may have had an impact. "Curious changes in Barry Bonds’ body -- including testimony that his head and feet grew while his testicles shrank -- will be detailed in federal court this week as the government seeks to prove that the Home Run King perjured himself by telling a grand jury that he never used steroids."

2. Woman sloppily eating spaghetti on subway challenges moral authority of critic, since critic is a "fat bitch."

3. CIA Dep. Dir. announces that use of FACEBOOK has produced significant intelligence results, particularly the app "Farmville." And the "Maps" app? They don't need to follow you, they can just check out your movements.

4. "Authorities say 27-year-old Karin Mackaliunas was detained last weekend following a crash. Scranton police say they found three bags of heroin in her jacket and after being taken to the police station she told investigators she had more hidden in her vagina...A doctor recovered 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags, prescription pills and $51.22."

(Nods to Anonyman and Scarback. And this follow up, just because I can.)