This story is tremendous. It's not the Onion, and yet it could be.
Let's go with the Grand Game thing, though.
1. If there is ANY place that should have really big tables, it is White Castle.
2. "I'm not humongous..." Sir, if you weigh 290 lbs and you cannot wedge your giant ass into a table at a fast food restaurant, you are, in fact, humongous.
3. He is outraged because "the cheese was extra!"
4. He is so mad at White Castle that he is boycotting! By which he means... he sends his wife to go get the burgers! Nice boycott.
There's lots more. Enjoy.
(Nod to David Skarbek, who eats like a freakin' girl)