Bold Predictions

Five bold predictions for this, the new year. In order of occurrence (or, predicted occurrence).

1. John Edwards does better than expected in Iowa, winning the largest percentage of Democratic vote at 40%. Clinton and Obama split most of the remainder. A UFO lands and takes Kucinich back to his home planet, ending his lengthy time on the lam after escaping from a "treatment center."

2. Mitt Romney "upsets" Huckabee in Iowa, though by a nonsensically small margin. McCain comes in at third, better than predicted, just like everyone predicted. In response to a question from a reporter, Giuliani is unable to find Iowa on a U.S. map. Fred Thompson is unable to find his own bum with both hands, and drops out of race. Ron Paul supporters, learning that their candidate will not be allowed to participate in the NH debates, begin to mass at the border, mobilizing all the heavy weapons and armored vehicles at their disposal.

3. Paris Hilton does some stupid damned thing that is all over the news, so does Britney Spears, and Michael Jackson is picked up by the same UFO taxi service that took Kucinich. And for the same reason.

4. The Yankees suck, and wish they had not fired Joe Torre. Boston's Manny Ramirez, ever trendy, also threatens to take the UFO shuttle back to his home planet, "Always Happy World." But he misses the UFO flight, apparently looking for the toilet inside the "Green Monster" in Fenway's left field. Asked later by a reporter how he had missed the flight, Manny said: "Forget about the flight, man. This is the place I want to be, man. It's great, man. They love me here, man. This is the place to be. 'Manny being Manny,' he's great, man... we've been through a lot, this is the place for me, I'm just happy to be here... I'm back!" The Arizona Diamondbacks win the World Series in seven games, beating the Cleveland Indians. Fausto Carmona (AL) and Brandon Webb (NL) are the Cy Young winners. RBI machine Matt Holiday wins the NL MVP, though the Rockies barely miss the playoffs. Victor Martinez wins the AL MVP, leading the Tribe to the Series with his bat and defensive dominance behind the plate.

5. Hillary Clinton beats Rudy Giuliani for the Presidency. Her vote margin is greater than expected, leading to a huge margin in the Electoral College. Asked why the polls were so wrong, leading to big Clinton wins in the Carolinas and Florida as well as a sweep of the west and northeast, a Clinton spokesman pointed out that while they both look pretty bad in a dress, Clinton has a much better arsenal of tasteful pantsuits. "And Guiliani's people never could settle on a shoe message: Flats, pumps, or heels. In the Clinton household, Hillary wears the flats, and Bill is the heel."